Chapter Text
Lucifer sat up in bed in a panic. He’d sensed foreign Angelic energy in the Lust ring. What the f*ck?
None of the Fallen lived there, and this wasn’t one of their signatures. Plus it wasn’t strong. He probably wouldn’t have even noticed it if he wasn’t so on edge from his Father showing up and being the worst parent possible. Just let me scroll through dumb pictures on my phone in peace!
Regardless, he called up Ozzy. And got the answering machine. He called again and he picked up this time.
“Lu! Hey, sorry, I was uh, busy,” Ozzy coughed. “How’re you holding up?”
“I sensed Angelic energy signatures in your Ring,” Lucifer blurted. “Did you invite anyone or get any new stuff?”
“Nothing Angelic in nature, no. It’s kinda late though, you don’t need to-”
“I have to check. You know that. Are you coming with me?”
“Fine, sure,” Ozzy sighed. Lucifer opened a portal to Ozzy’s room. And promptly covered his eyes.
“Okay, I should’ve seen that coming,” he groaned. FizzaRolli laughed at his dismay. “Get some f*cking clothes on,”
“Oh come on, I wanted to have some exploits to share with Blitz tonight,” Fizz whined.
“Fizzy, honey, that’ll have to wait. Angelic energy in Lust of all places is not something to be trifled with,” Oz kissed his forehead. “Besides, you have plenty of exploits to share,”
“Fiiiine!” Fizz sighed. “Go figure that sh*t out,”
Lucifer took that as permission to open a portal to the location of the energy signatures. And watched as a Hellhound threw three Cherubs into a portal.
“WHAT THE f*ck!?” He shrieked. Two Imps and the Hellhound turned to stare at him and Ozzy. “Okay, seriously, not the time to be making out, lovebirds,” he groaned.
“You’re Lucifer Morningstar,” the Hellhound baulked. “In lounge clothes,”
“Yeah, yeah. Yada yada. Introductions and sh*t. I sensed Angelic energy signatures in Lust which makes this a political issue now,” Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Why were there Cherubs in Lust?!”
“Because we got them kicked outta Heaven Sire,” the woman Imp answered. “So now they got beef with us,”
“How… Does that work?” Lucifer blinked.
“Well, Sire, we had a job on Earth and they also had one that dealt with the same person we were supposed to uh,” the male imp stammered.
“Kill,” Ozzy filled in. “Don’t worry, it’s all legal. Their boss has a crystal to his name so that means any laws they broke are retroactively acquitted,”
“Blitz has a crystal?” the sopping wet woman asked.
“Yeah, fairly new development. Previously they were using a Goetian Grimoire,” Ozzy explained.
“I don’t give two sh*ts about why a bunch of Imps are killing humans. So your target had Angelic protection and you still managed to kill him?” Lucifer asked.
“Well, we wanted him to kill himself to guarantee he’d wind up down here so the client would get to do his thing with him. But yes, he died. And we overheard a Cherub say something about their actions resulting in the death of a human, meaning they weren’t allowed back in,” the man in the pool explained.
“Huh. Great. Now I have issues with all three Realms. Stupid f*cking asshole upstairs making my life impossible,” Lucifer groaned. “Because dealing with trying to Redeem Sinners is easy on its own. I f*cking hate politics,”
“Oh hey Mil, Mox, Loona- Christ on a stick is that f*cking Asmodeus and Lucifer?” another Imp walked up to them. “Also why is there a building on the ground?”
“Most buildings are on the ground,” Lucifer deadpanned, making the group laugh. “Okay, yeah. I’m a little too tired for this. I have to go talk to Heaven now because Cherubs are meddling with our affairs. Well, Earth’s affairs. As for the building roof on the ground, ask your compatriots. I’ll have to call Sera in the morning. Any idea where their portal led them? Because I need to figure out how they got in too and handle that issue,”
“You can’t sense ‘Angelic energy signatures’ or whatever on Earth?” The Hellhound asked, looking up from her phone.
“Yeah, but there’s far from a shortage up there. I might accidentally end up in a church where an angel is legit just hanging for the day or whatever they f*cking do,” Lucifer grumbled.
“Wait a minute! I recognize you two! You showed up at my club and got all lovey dovey and ruined the vibe!” Ozzy spluttered.
“You’re a f*cking hypocrite. You know that right?” The third Imp scoffed. “Anyways, what the f*ck are we talking about?!”
“Those Cherubs we pissed off showed up again and tried to jump you with anti-Demonic tech,” the Imp woman informed him.
“That’s important information. That means they either got their hands on some insane resources, or humans have figured out about Demonic existence and helped them,” Lucifer thought aloud. The four exchanged looks. “ARE YOU f*ckING KIDDING ME!?”
“I mean, humans are usually too stupid to realize what we are. I got called a possum one time!” Pool guy piped up.
“You’ve been going around without human disguises!? Okay, what do you know about the humans that know about you?” Lucifer asked.
“They were part of some government agency called D.H.O.R.K.S, which I can’t remember what it stands for,” the late arrival answered. “They were f*cking stupid though. We took out all of them before sh*t went sideways and… Stolas had to step in. Aw man, now I’m back to being bummed out! f*cking Stolas man!”
“Stolas? Huh, haven’t talked to him in a hot minute. Must’ve been, f*ck, I don’t know… before Lilith left?” Lucifer hummed. “Not important. Humans are fragile and easy to kill and you won’t find me caring about human life, but did they have cameras?”
“Oh f*ck,” the four all said at the same time.
“You idiots made quite the mess for me. I’m honestly tempted to punish you for all this, but I need to talk to Stolas first,” Lucifer sighed.
“AW MAN! Christ on a f*cking stick. Fine! Go talk to that stupid f*cking blue blood! At least he won’t play with your feelings!”
“Sir, what happened with Stolas?” The duo finally left the pool. He sighed at the question.
“L-look, it’s not super important. We can still get into the human world, and it’s legal now! So who gives a sh*t? He started spewing some sh*t about how he wanted our relationship to stop being transactional and that he loved me which, bullsh*t, and I thought it was some kind of roleplay but it wasn’t so now I’m confused and sh*t!”
“Wow. Deep. If I actually gave a sh*t I might cry,” Lucifer said flatly. “Sounds like you both f*cked up. Maybe you should try having a proper conversation or something,”
“Oh get off it! I don’t want the opinion of another blue blood about how I hurt his feelings! You don’t know sh*t about me, okay! He just knows that saying he loves me would get me attached to him but I’m not some f*cking toy for him!”
“Uh, that sounds like a sh*t ton of trauma talking but whatever. I need to see what Stolas knows about all this, and if he vouches for you, I’ll let you off scot free this time. On the condition that you use disguises from now on,”
“Oh, wow, seriously? I figured you’d be uptight,” the Imp laughed. “And taller. Like, you’re barely taller than me,”
“I can erase the memory of you from everyone who has ever loved and leave you sad and alone, destroying all the work you have every f*cking done and I’m a little on edge right now so maybe f*cking watch what you’re saying,” Lucifer told him with a strained smile. Ozzy placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Did something happen after the whole sh*t with that f*cking pimp?” he asked.
“Did something happen?! Yes! Something f*cking happened! My f*cking Dad decided to show up and be the worst parent ever so yes, something f*cking happened!” Lucifer yelled.
“I don’t know, my dad was pretty bad,” the Imp chuckled.
“Mine tried to marry me to a broke guy when I was already married,” the other piped up.
“Yeah, well mine decided to mind control me into trying to manipulate one of my friends while draining my energy after spending thousands of years calling me a mistake and getting my older brother to cut off my wings with a flaming sword for having the audacity to be raped so I think if we’re having a competition of worst dads, God gets to win that one,” he was incredibly on edge. Both of their mouths shut with a click. “And that’s hardly the half of it so kindly shut the f*ck up,”
“I forgot your Dad was God,” the taller of the Imps coughed. “Y’know, didn’t think He’d be that bad, but what do I f*cking know. Do any of you have a cigarette because I need one right f*cking now,” Lucifer snapped one into his hand and lit it with a fire on his thumb. “Thanks,” he took a long drag.
“Lu, you shouldn’t be managing political sh*t right now! You should be at home resting! You aren’t even fully healed from that sh*t six months ago!” Ozzy warned him. “And dealing with your Dad can’t have helped,”
“Wow, I wasn’t aware that I currently feel like crawling into a hole and dying Ozzy, thanks for letting me f*cking know!” Lucifer spat.
“Damn, maybe you need the cigarette more than me,” the Imp laughed at his own joke.
“Haha, f*cking hilarious. Now, is there anything else I should be worried about with you dumbasses?”
“Uh, no, I do not think so Sire,” the woman Imp answered. “Those government f*cks, the Cherubs, our business, talking ta Stolas, nah, I think we got it handled!”
“Alright, thank you four. I might let you off the hook because this woman is just so nice,” Lucifer sighed. “Man, I really could use Myriam’s help right about now,”
“Listen, Luci, if you think about your assistant that got killed in a mob hit, you’re going to feel worse,” Ozzy sighed. “Come on, let’s find Stolas,” they both started walking away.
“Wait, did you say… your assistant that died in a mob hit named Myriam?” the shorter of the male Imps squeaked. “Was her name Myriam Siltagard?”
“Uh, yeah? How would you know that though?” Lucifer turned back.
“Oh crumbs. f*ck. sh*t. Oh no,” he started hyperventilating.
“Moxxie? Honey, you’re havin’ a panic attack! What’s goin’ on?”
“Mox, get it the f*ck together. Literally nothing has happened to you,” the tallest of the Imps scoffed.
“Myriam Siltagard was the first person my father got me to kill,” he blurted. “I had to use a Carmine rifle because for some reason she was an immortal Imp and I heard afterwards that it was because she was Lucifer’s assistant! f*ck!”
“But… Myr wasn’t the target in that attack. She was just an unintentional casualty,” Lucifer’s blood drained from his face. “Unless Crimson f*cking lied to me,”
“Oh that f*cker definitely lied to you,” Ozzy scoffed. “He kidnapped Fizz one time. You didn’t know that a kid killed her?”
“No! He just said that her friend was the target and she happened to get hit by an Angelic rifle in the crossfire!” Lucifer covered his face with his hands. “I made her a target,”
“Okay, I’m taking him to find Stolas because I don’t need to handle a panic attack right now!” Ozzy grabbed his arm and started dragging him. Lucifer didn’t protest, but pulled his arm from Ozzy’s grip and righted himself before following him.
$*$*$*$
“Moxxie, why did you f*cking say that?!” Blitzø yelled. “You just completely ruined our chances of getting away without consequences for f*cking up sh*t on Earth!”
“Blitzø, he didn’t f*ckin’ mean to! And I’ve heard Lucifer is pretty merciful when it comes to stuff like this,” Millie scolded.
“I can’t f*ck him to get him to not smite us! I can’t even do that with Stolas anymore because I’m such a f*cking screw up! We’re so f*cking screwed!”
“Sir, I apologize for bringing it up, but I do think Lucifer will give us mercy. Like Millie said, all reports of punishments from Lucifer have been either light or they really pissed him off, like uh… licking his daughter?” Moxxie stared at his phone. “What does that even mean?”
“Oh we are so f*cked. You killed his assistant! That’s gotta be close to the same level as licking his kid! I’m going to die. I am going to die a horrible painful death or lose every single connection I can because I had to be so f*cking ambitious and it’s not like we can stop running I.M.P, we just got made legal!”
“Yeah, as a kid though. The person I would be worried about in this circ*mstance is Crimson. Lucifer is notoriously soft on kids,” Loona added.
“But Moxxie isn’t a kid anymore!” Blitzø yelled. “He is a fully grown man who gets pegged by his wife!”
“Sir, refrain,” Moxxie said harshly.
“I am entirely too f*cking sober for this sh*t. We’ll be f*cking fine! That was 20 f*cking years ago!” Loona yelled.
“So do we just stay here until they come back or somethin’?” Millie asked.
“We’ve got posters and ads stapled to everything in the Pride Ring and most of them have my face on them. He’ll find us. And he can sense us. There is no f*cking hiding from the King of Hell,” Blitzø laughed wetly. “I don’t wanna die like this. It’d be f*cking badass, don’t get me wrong, but f*ck I don’t wanna die,”
“I’m going f*cking home then. I’m sick of this f*cking place,” Loona stormed off. Moxxie and Millie were quick to follow, leaving Blitzø alone.
He sat on the curb, face in his hands.
“f*ck, I’m such a screw up. We’re so f*cking screwed. Maybe if I hadn’t f*cked up everything with Stolas, but there’s no way he’ll vouch for us now,” he cried. “f*ck, why do I suck so f*cking much?!”
~+~+~+~
The door was answered by Stolas when they got there. Lucifer had magically cleaned himself up and made an effort to ignore the issues on his mind to focus on the political sh*t he had to deal with.
“Sire? Sires!?” Stolas baulked, drunk and dishevelled. “Wh-what are you doing here?”
“We need any information you might have on I.M.P’s interactions with Cherubs and the human government agency known as D.H.O.R.K.S,” Lucifer explained. “Some Cherubs made their way into Hell with the help of this agency, and I need to figure out how to deal with the issues on Earth and communicate with Heaven about it,”
“Oh, uh, certainly. Do come in, I apologize for the mess, I was not expecting visitors. Well, more visitors,” Stolas stammered, opening the door wider.
“I’m sure you understand the urgency of the matter. Ideally, this would not be something done at such a late hour, but with Heaven, I have to be on top of things. I appreciate your willingness to have this meeting now,” Lucifer assured him.
“Sire, I am going to be brutally f*cking honest with you because I’m drunk and just had to break off a situation with someone I care about, f*cking cut the formal speak. It’s grating on my nerves,” Stolas groaned. Lucifer froze for a second.
“Oh, uh, sorry, I f*cking guess,” he muttered. Not like I’m also incredibly on edge and just went through a mountain of sh*t. Ozzy chuckled awkwardly. He was being rude and at this point he was just too f*cking tired to care. Yeah, I’m being a bitch on purpose. How do you f*cking like that?
“Well, what I know of this government agency, I’d assumed they would be brushed off as insane people rambling about Demons, how they would manage to be taken seriously is beyond me,” Stolas sighed. “Or at least that threatening them would get them to f*ck off,”
“I f*cking- Are all of you too stupid to realize cameras are a f*cking thing? Oh yeah, let’s beat up a bunch of humans in a government facility and be surprised when they have security footage of us that they use to prove our existence when we loudly flaunt it! I am so f*cking done right now. Do I look like I want to be dealing with the consequences of a bunch of f*cking Imps running around killing humans? Because I very much do f*cking not! Just tell me what you f*cking know about these motherf*cking Cherubs so I can go home, pass out for an hour and a half then wipe a bunch of human memories because me slaughtering them will be on Heaven’s radar and then I get in sh*t and then Charlie doesn’t get her hotel to work because Heaven is only capable of scapegoating every time something goes f*cking wrong!” Lucifer panted as he finished his rant. “And yes, I’m being incredibly rude, but I so f*cking sorry you’re having relationship issues. I’d maybe care a little if I wasn’t running around for three Realms and have been since I was basically f*cking 14! I am at my f*cking limit! Oh but Lucifer can handle it surely! He’s oh so powerful and can do so much! Surely he’s not spread too thin after his entire existence has been f*cking terrible!”
“Uh…” Stolas just stared at him. “Sorry?”
“You better f*cking be! All the idiots in this Realm should be glad I don’t actually want to blow the entire place up because I f*cking could!”
“Okayyyy, Lu, maybe this can wait until-”
“Asmodeus, if I put this off then the Cherubs are going to come back and if they come back for long enough they’ll be considered Fallen and Heaven is going to be pissed at me for that so shut the f*ck up!”
“I don’t actually know how to handle this,” Stolas admitted.
“I’m being an asshole right now. Please know your problems matter but right now I am so f*cking done that it is not really registering. Please tell me what you know about the sh*t happening upstairs,” Lucifer sighed, plastering on a fake smile.
“Well, we were definitely in America. I can point out the location of the facility on a map but it very well may be useless if they are in an alternate location,” Stolas offered. Lucifer nodded.
They were done in five minutes after that. Lucifer apologized for his behaviour, knowing he’d have a mental breakdown about it when he wasn’t about to explode, which yelling about didn’t actually help, who knew! He’d have to blow something up later because it might be the only way to get the aggression off.
Dad
Hey honey. Maybe don’t hang out around me because I currently have so much emotional bullsh*t going on it might make you want to punch me in the face and I wouldn’t even blame you haha
Charlie
Are you okay? Do you need to talk? I can handle being around you I promise!
Dad
Charlie I’m not joking when I say your empathy powers will cause you to have a meltdown with me this messed up. And I have sh*t to do because of idiots. So I’ll talk to you about it after I destroy everything that your mother owned when I’m done
Charlie
That sounds like a bad coping mechanism
Dad
If I don’t destroy sh*t I will never work off this aggression and I might actually explode. I promise to explain later
Charlie
If you say so
Love you
Dad
Love you too apple slice. See you later
He didn’t actually get any sleep. He just layed in bed clutching Benjamin to his chest and crying his eyes out. Which actually served to make him more tired but it burnt off enough emotion to not turn the Cherubs and those D.H.O.R.K.S people into ground beef. Hopefully.
With a sigh, he tried to pinpoint the location of the Cherubs based on what he knew. Luckily, he found something and opened a portal, cracking his neck before stepping through. The trio jumped upon seeing him.
“You three are so f*cking lucky I’m a merciful person,” he closed the portal. “But I might not be for much longer,”
“Wh-who are you?” The toddler Cherub asked in a Southern accent. “We can handle you! We’re angels after all!”
“Oh shut up. I’m not in the mood to listen to a Cherub think he’s all that,” Lucifer sighed. “As for the angel bit, that isn’t going to save you,”
“C-Cleatus, I- We might not want to provoke him,” the purple lamb whispered.
“You’d do well to listen to your friend. I wonder how they talk about me up there right now. With Adam dead, hmm. But things might actually have skewed with Charlie bringing the Exterminations to their attention. I’ll give you a minute to figure out who I am,” Lucifer said with a menacing grin. He spun his cane around as the colour drained from the other two Cherubs faces.
“Oh f*ck,” the golden lamb whispered. “Y-you’re-”
“The Lightbringer himself, yes. Lucifer Morningstar. And if you’d caught me on any other day I might’ve been nicer but right now I’m running on fumes because Daddy decided I need reminding of my place in the world,”
“We’re gonna die,” the toddler cried. Like cartoonish tears and all.
“Okay, shut up. Give me one good reason to not turn you into wall decorations,” Lucifer frowned.
“Those nasty Hellspawn were interfering with human life! And got us kicked out of Heaven!” The golden lamb got up in his face. “It’s not our fault!”
“Hmm. You know, I looked into Lyle Lipton. Really not the kinda guy that deserved Angelic protection. Also why were Cherubs protecting humans?”
“W-well, we were trying to find a way to advertise a service where we help Winners protect their loved ones after death,” the toddler explained.
“Uh huh. Yeah. Okay, but a f*cking billionare who used human testing?! Like, I thought there were some morals up there. I’m not going around claiming Hell is some place of virtue or whatever. Oh yeah, how’d you like the Lust Ring? Oz said that their toy sales have really gone up, and that BDSM is pretty popular right now,”
“We saw torture devices! Surely that Imp was going to torture some poor innocent soul!” The purple lamb cried. Lucifer laughed. So hard he was close to coughing.
“Holy f*cking sh*t, that’s good. Those were f*cking sex toys! I might spare you for that, because that sh*t is priceless,” Lucifer cackled. “Anyways, back on topic. Why were you in the Lust Ring? And how?”
“We wanted to kill those Imps that got us kicked out of Heaven so that we might get back in! Surely that would be a good enough act for reentry!” The golden lamb cried. He could sympathise with the desperation.
“Nothing is good enough for reentry,” Lucifer said simply. “Killing actually would have gotten you farther, because regardless of intention, murder is a Sin,” the trio exchanged looks. “Forget your morals. You’re Cherubs, they don’t give two sh*ts about you. You’re disposable to them, that’s why they got you to do this Angelic protection sh*t,”
“B-but! We’ve been trying so hard!” The toddler whined. Lucifer sighed.
“I don’t make the rules. Anyways, how? I need to deal with the humans that did this. I won’t kill them, even if it would be easier and more fun, but I need to wipe their memories. Humans knowing about Holy and Demonic creatures is dangerous. It’s only a matter of time before they try getting into Heaven or something. And you told them you’re Cherubs, didn’t you?”
“We… told them we’re Angels?” The purple lamb squeaked. Lucifer narrowed his eyes.
“What did you tell them?”
“That we’re Exorcists. God’s flaming swords an’ all that,” the golden lamb mumbled. That was funnier than the idea of a trio of Cherubs confused by the Lust Ring.
“Vaggie is going to die when I tell her about this,” he laughed. The trio shrunk at the mention. “Oh, did you know her?”
“W-well, we knew of the Exorcists, and Vaggie was one of the names we knew,” the toddler explained.
“The only thing you could’ve said worse would be claiming to be Archangels!” Lucifer cackled. “Good thing you didn’t, because I don’t think humans are stupid enough to believe that. Anyways, lead the way my tiny friends,” Lucifer waved a hand to open the door. A human standing outside dropped the tray of food they were holding in shock. Lucifer walked over to them.
“Wh-what are you?” The human stammered.
“Do our little friends want to introduce me? Cherubs are meant to serve after all,” Lucifer said with a grin.
“Agent 1! Don’t believe what he says!” The golden lamb cried out. “He’s the Devil!” Lucifer waved a hand to toss her out of his way and grabbed the human’s throat.
“A little physical for me, really. Usually I’m a little more distant. More elegant, you see, but I’ve had a bit of a bad day today. I can’t imagine yours has been great either. Meeting a trio of Cherubs claiming to be Exorcists, which mind you they’d get in a sh*t ton of trouble for killing a Hellborn if they were. Finally having some sh*tty success with… whatever it is you’re doing. I will have to ask you to shut it all down though. Surely you understand. I can’t very well have this kind of thing getting out. Truly, I couldn’t care, but Heaven doesn't take well to this kind of chaos and I tend to get blamed. Also any anti-Demonic measures you may have are useless against me,” Lucifer bluffed seamlessly. “Now, I have a mess to clean up. Be so kind as to help me out,”
“I would never, you Demon!” The human spat.
“Don’t you want to see your mother again dear?” Lucifer purred in his ear, switching tactics. His eyes welled with tears. “Come on now, if you help me, you can talk to her again. I promise~,”
“Yes, I’ll do that,” he nodded. Lucifer set him down. “Right this way,”
“No! Agent 1! He’s lying!” The toddler Cherub cried.
“I’m afraid you’re too late. He’s already agreed, and consent is a powerful tool,” Lucifer smiled and started walking away. “Now, Agent 1, dear friend, our first step is to get all of this anti-Demon tech destroyed and production stopped. Do you have the ability to do that for me?”
“Yes, yes, I can do that,” he nodded.
“Very good~,” Lucifer was led through the facility, quickly shutting everything down and wiping the memories of anyone he came across subtly. Finally, they came to the main chamber.
“Agent 1? Who is that with you?” A woman with curly blonde hair and sunglasses and a suit matching all the others ran over.
“Nothing to be worried about Agent 2, I’ve got this handled,” Agent 1 assured her.
“Who are you? What did you do to him?” She drew her gun. Lucifer magically disappeared all her weaponry.
“Ah ah~! Your friend over here wants to see his dear mother again, you wouldn’t ruin that for him, would you?” He scolded, stepping away from Agent 1. “And you- oh, you have something you’d rather forget, don’t you? The blood on your hands, you really just want to live a peaceful life, but you couldn’t have that. You just had to serve your country, save it from Demonic forces when you discovered them. You can have that life, I promise. Just listen to me, okay?”
“I- I don’t even know who you are!” She cried. Ah, she was the smarter of the two.
“Does that matter? Should you give up this opportunity to just live to discover the name of your mysterious saviour?”
“N-no. Please, I just want to be happy,” her eyes welled with tears, the glasses falling to the floor and breaking on impact.
“Of course,” he purred. “Now, you two, I need you to tell your superiors that it was all special effects, and that you abused the funding they gave you. And then your wildest dreams shall be fulfilled,” Lucifer announced. They immediately did just that.
Once they were done, he scrubbed the building of memories of the nonsense, replacing them with ideas of their superiors running a fake project. Then he removed Agent 2 from her current existence to replace it with a nice long one on the beach with false memories of a happy life.
“Are you ready to see your mom again?” He asked. Agent 1 nodded. Silently, Lucifer cut his carotid with a claw. “Have fun in Hell,”
~+~+~+~
Once he got back, he immediately collapsed onto his bed. Manipulating people was hard, and the amount of magic he’d used was enough to make him feel like sh*t. Well, more sh*t than he already felt like. His vision was blurry and he felt cold, which was never a good sign. Wonder how much sleep I’m gonna get before the emotional mess shows up again.
^&^&^&^
Despite her dad explicitly telling her to stay away from him, Charlie was worried enough to ignore his warning. Her empathy powers weren’t even that strong! She’d probably barely notice it.
Opening his bedroom door was like getting flooded. She gasped in shock. And he was asleep, so this wasn’t even the worst of it. Charlie panted through the shock. If it was hitting her like this, he was going through a whole lot worse. This wasn’t the kind of thing that someone should deal with alone. Even if the amount of anger, grief and sadness was making her dizzy. Ignoring her struggle, she walked to his bedside and sat down on the chair there, pulling out a book to read. Angel had told her about part of what had happened, and Uncle Ozzy warned her that he was going to have to deal with some political stuff on the fly and fix some issues on Earth, meaning he’d been exhausted and frustrated, already being ready to blow up the first person who looked at him the wrong way. Which Charlie could sympathise with. It was just too much sometimes. And if you were emotionally shot enough, people could easily do the wrong thing and step on the wrong boundary. People were prone to underestimating her because she was nice. But that didn’t mean she hadn’t committed her own fair share of heinous acts. That guy in highschool had bugged her when she was on her period and her dad was having a particularly bad depression day. He was asking to be turned into Demon spaghetti. It wasn’t like he didn’t live! She turned him back the next day after he went through the agony of that. People avoided pissing her off after that. Which they really should’ve done sooner because she could turn them inside out with a thought!
Okay, she was not reading this book, and the emotional soup her dad was giving off was making her pissy. Charlie rubbed her temples to try and soothe the pain there.
“f*cking- stupid- throwing a pity party f*cker- mmpff,” he mumbled in his sleep. Okay, maybe she should get out. This was just making her upset and tired. Maybe she could send Vaggie or Angel to keep an eye on him. With a final glance back to him, she turned around and left.
~+~+~+~
You’d think sleeping would help with the mess of emotions swirling in him, but nope. In fact, being rested actually proved to make it worse. Now he could focus on the emotions instead of being tired. With a frustrated yell, he stabbed his pillow with his claws. A yelp of shock made him look over and see Vaggie with a book. f*ck my life.
“Uh, morning?” She squeaked. He groaned.
“I want to break everything in here,” he muttered. Then he shoved his face into the destroyed pillow and kicked his legs in frustration.
“I’ll just… go I guess,” Vaggie announced. A moment later, the door opened and shut. Lucifer took that as his cue to punch the wall, drywall showering around him.
~{}~{}~{}~
Vaggie whistled awkwardly as she went down the stairs, unsure how to process what she’d just witnessed. She’d never seen Lucifer mad enough to get to the point of wanting to cause destruction. It might’ve only been more jarring if it was Charlie, but even then she had witnessed her girlfriend go nuts on Adam. And Lucifer go nuts on him for that matter. Okay, maybe it wasn’t as surprising as she thought.
“Charlie? You there?” She called at the bottom of the stairs. Charlie ran over.
“Hey! What’s going on?” She asked.
“Nothing, nothing. Your dad is just… very pissed,” Vaggie admitted. “Not the kind of energy I want to mess with,”
“Yeahhh. I’m sure you wouldn’t actually get hurt, but when he’s this upset it’s hard to tell,” Charlie agreed.
“You’ve seen him like this before?” Vaggie blinked in confusion.
“Uh, yep! Only once, when Paimon said something about me during a meeting. Paimon is really quite lucky he’s not dead,” Charlie laughed. “There are a lot of people that are lucky he’s nice. Because if he was half as ruthless as he was powerful, no one who got on his nerves would be here anymore,”
“I think the same goes for you hun,” Vaggie chuckled.
“True! I could break most people in half with a thought. Not that I would,” Charlie giggled. Then her phone started ringing. “Oh! I should take this,” she pulled it out, fumbling it for a moment before answering successfully. “Hello! You’ve reached Princess Charlie Morningstar!” She listened to the person on the other end for a moment. “Oh! Okay, thank you! You wouldn’t mind giving me names though, would you? No? There will be three of them? Okay, that’s useful information at least. Thank you,” Charlie hung up the phone. And then squealed. “Holy sh*t Vaggie! Heaven is sending down people to monitor the success of the hotel! We might actually have some success with this! Can you believe it!?” She pulled Vaggie into a hug.
“What!? When?! Why!?” Vaggie stammered.
“They’ll be here in a week. You know how Dad mentioned that Pentious got Redeemed? Well, because of that, they’re considering the idea!” Charlie explained excitedly.
“That was almost a year ago though!” Vaggie protested.
“Well, I guess things take awhile to develop up there or something. I think we should be glad it’s happening at all,” Charlie admitted. “I’ll tell Dad about it tomorrow. He should’ve gotten everything out of his system by then!”
“Whatever you say babe,” Vaggie said with a strained smile. Surely nothing bad would happen.
~+~+~+~
Once Lucifer finished destroying his room and then fixed it, he remembered that he’d promised that Velvette Overlord woman to go with her to her favourite cafe. He pulled out his phone and opened Sinstagram.
KingDuck
Hey, I completely forgot that I promised to hang out with you after breaking Valentino. I unfortunately had some sh*t come up.
VelvettaDesigns
No biggie doll. I was busy too with him gone so its cool
VelvettaDesigns
I had to ditch Vox :( cuz he was pissed about Val dying. Stuck solo now. sh*t is awful but Ill manage
KingDuck
Damn, sorry to hear that. Send me the address? I need something to help me cool off after the night I had
VelvettaDesigns
Course doll. See you soon :)
Lucifer rolled out of bed and flopped onto the floor, staring at the ceiling. With a sigh, he got up and looked around through his closet. He ended up settling on the usual red dress shirt and black slacks he wore when he needed something casual to wear in public. After that he ran a hand through his hair to magically fix it up. He decided to portal to the cafe, not having the energy to try and articulate a conversation with Charlie about his emotional bullsh*t at the moment. A woman about his height with red and blue hair styled in box braids pulled into a half ponytail ran up to him, wearing a black halter top over a dark blue mesh shirt and booty jean shorts over black leggings embroidered with skulls and hearts ran up to him.
“Heya doll. Ya got here fast!” She laughed, accent much more obvious in person somehow. “Usually I’m the first to show up for stuff like this,”
“Well, being able to make a portal to wherever except for Heaven is generally an easy way to beat people,” Lucifer shrugged. Velvette frowned.
“Babe, I gotta be real honest and say this look is not giving. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not terrible, but it’s boring as f*ck. Like, I’ve seen your pictures and that suit is stunning! If I wore those kinda things, I would totally make one for myself,” she gestured to his shirt. “But this is lame,”
“I have a lot of clothes I could wear, but I didn’t want to go too crazy. Dress shirts and slacks are generally a good way to avoid issues,” Lucifer admitted.
“At least embroider them or somethin’! Come on, let’s get my table and I can f*ck around with this and see what I can do with this. It’s a good base, but it doesn’t have much going on,” Velvette slipped her arm in his and started walking inside. Lucifer startled for a moment but decided to roll with it.
Most of the time was spent with Velvette snapping her fingers to change up embroidery or bedazzling on his shirt. She seemed to be having trouble reaching a look she liked. At one point Lucifer decided to put a tree pattern with a snake in its branches on the back and stood up to show her. She squealed, snapped her fingers and took a picture to show him. She’d added little apples to the tree and wings to the snake. Lucifer laughed and they settled on that for his outfit.
“Man, it’s nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of. Honestly, I am so much better without those two dumbasses. Don’t get me wrong, I can come up with ways to control people easily, like those love potions I came up with to get an in with those two, but that was never really my whole vibe. I just want to design clothes and have fun. But I have to be a bitch to get ahead and do anything with my life. Especially as a black girl into fashion and making my own clothes. People say sh*t about me fulfilling stereotypes and undoing all the progress! Like, girl, go ahead and lift weights, leave me and my designs alone!” She rambled. “I know I’ve done some sh*tty stuff. I’ve said sh*t about people and ruined their lives, but it’s part of what I’ve had to do to succeed. And look where it’s gotten me! I’m super successful, even if for a long time I was riding on those two’s coattails,”
“Sounds like you’ve had to fight for what you deserve. You took an axe to the hurdles in your path, but all they see is you holding an axe,” Lucifer sighed. “And so what if what you’ve done is selfish? Sure, you should probably do some looking inward before going to a place like Heaven, but they’ve decided that you’re on the same level as f*cking Alastor, the serial killer, or Valentino, the rapist pimp,”
“See, you get me. Like, yeah, I’ve been an ass, but everyone I’ve hurt has been what felt like necessary sacrifices. I’ve realized now that without those two dragging me down, I don’t have to be that awful person, that maybe I can pursue those dreams of mine,” Velvette smiled. “And that’s what the new Velvette is gonna be! Encouraging creativity and fun! f*ck the capitalist aspect, I run Hell’s social media! So thanks, for helping me get there,”
“Huh? Me? All I did was ask for your help on some live broadcast thingy on the internet,” Lucifer frowned. “Everything you did was by your own merit,”
“Sure, you’re right about that, but your support on that day when I was streaming for the first time, and the way you came to me for advice and just let me talk about my passions, it let me realize that I didn’t have to be that person who was made to fight to be where I am now. I’m here, I shouldn’t have to fight anymore!” She explained. “I mean, look at me, I’ve gotten my hair braided for the first time since I died. I’m ready to be an exciting new person,”
“I’m proud of you for getting there. And I won’t say I knew the old Velvette, but I like the Velvette I’ve met,” Lucifer finally returned her smile. She beamed at the comment.
~{}~{}~{}~
Vaggie was sitting at the bar when Lucifer came back to the hotel after his coffee ‘date’ with Velvette, the Social Media Overlord. Everyone knew about it because she’d posted pictures of the two on her page. And Vaggie was upset.
“You just f*cking left! Without talking to anybody, and hung out with a f*cking Overlord! Are you insane?” She asked him. Lucifer looked surprised at her anger.
“Uh, sorry? Listen, I promised her I would go to her favourite cafe with her in exchange for revealing Val’s name so I could beat him up, and I needed some mindless fun. I don’t know much about her before, but her entire focus when we were together was working on being better and pursuing her passions without the ties of the Vees,” Lucifer explained. “She said I helped her realize that. I probably should’ve talked to you guys, but I was really out of it. That’s my bad,”
“Oh. I guess that’s not so bad. I… was worried it was worse. I just saw her Sinstagram post with you in it at some cafe and freaked because the last time I saw you, you were ripping your pillow to shreds,” Vaggie sighed.
“That’s fair. I’ll try to communicate better now- oh f*ck what!” The bar wall of the building was blown up and Lucifer and Vaggie both went flying backwards as something shattered and they were sprayed with something wet.
“Eugh, gross!” Vaggie groaned and pulled out her spear, flexing her wings. “What the f*ck is going on!?” She flew towards the attackers, only to find… nothing? She put her wings away in shock. Husk coughed and stood up, having been walking towards the bar from the stairs when it happened and got knocked over. Lucifer examined the damage.
“Odd. I’m going to say it’s probably just one of Cherri’s bomb stashes that got triggered by a fluke,” he snapped his fingers and the damage was gone. Yeah, that was probably it. The shattering and wetness was probably just the bottles at the bar, which were now handled. Vaggie shrugged it off while Lucifer went to find Cherri and ask her about it.
The assumption was correct. Once that was settled, Vaggie bid the rest of the hotel good night and went to bed, tired from a long day of worrying and finding out about Heaven coming to visit. Oh right. Charlie said she’d talk to Lucifer about it tomorrow.
~{}~{}~{}~
The first thing she noticed when she woke up was pain. Every bone in her body ached. Every muscle, every fibre of her being hurt. We didn’t go that hard last night! Then she noticed the lack of Charlie’s warmth. Okay, not super strange. Except that the smell was wrong. Her eye(s?!) shot open as she sat up.
Both my eyes are working?! She closed and opened her left eye repeatedly. That was when she noticed that the room was different. Huh? This is Lucifer’s room. Why am I- then the pain made itself obvious again. Vaggie groaned, panicking when she realized it wasn’t her voice. These weren’t her hands, no comfortable tickle of hair on her back, her legs felt different and her eyes were both working. In a panic, she ran to the mirror she knew Lucifer kept in his room and looked…
Straight into his eyes.
She yelped in horror, stumbling backwards. Was this some kind of freaky body swap situation?! Or a bad dream. Okay, the hip/back/just in general pain was certainly real. Only in f*cking Hell. So what was she supposed to do? Assess the situation, that’s a good first step.
Okay, other than the pain that permeated everything (f*ck Lucifer put up with this daily?) there was an itchiness in her back? Or well, Lucifer’s back, but not relevant. It kinda reminded her of when she didn’t take proper care of her wings. And sudden she was juggling six new massive white and red limbs that showered feathers on her. Okay, that explains that. He really needed to take better care of these things, but with how large they were, she couldn’t blame the guy. While that didn’t get rid of the itchiness, it certainly explained it, and allowed her to move onto the next situation.
She felt like she might turn everyone she loved into mush with the wrong thought. Don’t think that! That’s how it’ll happen! The amount of raw power that Lucifer had was just barely hiding under that surface of the previous issues. Also she was incredibly warm. And irritable. And just wanted to blow sh*t up in general. All this power and he still has chronic pain? Unlucky. Then an uncomfortable feeling settled on her. I am invading my girlfriend’s dad’s body. Her dad who has an insane amount of sexual and physical trauma.
Oh. This was bad. She needed to fix this fast. Honestly, she wasn’t even worried that this probably meant Lucifer was inhabiting her body. The only person she’d be less worried about was Charlie. Actually- okay put that thought away for now. Actually, I should probably go see Charlie. Lucifer will probably also be there.
And so she steeled her resolve and folded the six wings behind her, displeased at the way they just… barely changed. Maybe putting them away would be like putting her own away-
“Ahh!” She went careening forwards as her balance didn’t have time to shift to the new weight distribution. “Well, that fixes that,” Oh, that was weird. No more talking. Just think.
It took a minute to figure out how to walk with his legs. He’d stopped hiding their unguligrade nature around the hotel, but that didn’t mean Vaggie had any experience walking on legs that weren’t her own plantigrade ones. And hooves felt weird. But finally, she got it under control and opened the door.
And was immediately hit was a wall of anxiety, dread and exhaustion. Like stepping out of the room would be the end of her. It didn’t seem unappealing to try and fall asleep and wait whatever this was out.
She shook her head to get that out of her head. f*cking depression man. Lucifer tried to hide it, and everyone was aware he struggled with it, but this was insanely heavy. I wanna go back to bed. Vaggie had her own struggles with depression after being cast out of Heaven and stripped of her wings, but this was just so much more. Between the pain, anxiety and this, she couldn’t even begin to imagine how Lucifer put up with everyday life. This is the f*cking worst. I would literally rather die. Oh gross. She’d never reached that point in her depression. She wanted to go on living. But this made it feel like it wasn’t really worth it. You’re letting his chemical imbalances get to you Vaggie. Focus on the task at hand.
Then she remembered that he had a cane. Closing the door, the oppressive energy dampened quite a bit and she looked around the room, finding it in an umbrella caddy next to the door. She grabbed it and leaned heavily on it. Left. Leg. f*cking. Hurts. So badly. Honestly, how did he even put up with half of this sh*t?
Ignoring it, she pushed through the invisible barrier in the doorway and started walking towards Charlie and her room. She’d never been more thankful for the elevator they’d installed than in that moment. Probably installed it for that reason.
She realized about halfway there that she could hear the electricity in the walls and the slight buzzing of the lights. This is entirely too f*cking much. But finally, she reached her destination and opened the door, more exhausted than when she started. Charlie was staring at her frozen form, presumably her dad, completely terrified to do anything in fear that he might do something wrong in her body. Charlie ran to the door when Vaggie opened it, pulling her into a hug.
“Vaggie! Holy sh*t, this is insane! How did this even happen? Was it something I did?” Charlie started rambling. Vaggie let out a cry of overwhelm. Everything was way too f*cking much. “Oh no! Are you okay?”
“How the f*ck do you put up with this daily?” She choked out.
“Don’t move, don’t- Uh, I don’t know?” Her voice answered. “I will admit it’s nice that I can’t hear the walls for once. And that everything doesn’t hurt. Is this how it’s supposed to feel? Oh sh*t. Sorry. Shutting up now,”
“Dad!? What the f*ck does that mean?” Charlie yelped.
“Ow, ow, loud,” Vaggie muttered, despite knowing this was literally Charlie’s normal volume level. “I need to sit down,” she staggered to the bed and collapsed. Her (his?) hips felt like they were about to f*cking disintegrate. “This is Hell,”
“Yeah. It is,” Lucifer agreed in her voice. “That much has not changed,”
“No! I mean that your body is awful! I want to curl up in a hole and stopped existing,” Vaggie groaned.
“Question, did getting out of bed feel like a massive task?” He asked.
“No. Not really,” Vaggie answered. “Why?”
“Because that means that all things considered, today is either a normal or f*ck, even a good day,” he explained. What does a bad day entail?!
“Dad, have you been hiding how much pain you’ve been in this whole time?” Charlie asked in a quieter voice.
“In my defence, I didn’t really notice it much after 10,000 years of putting up with it,” he admitted with a grimace. “Don’t move, don’t move,” he went back to chanting. He’s really worried about violating me. It’d be sweet if I wasn’t swimming in a soup of pain, self hatred, anxiety and sensory overload.
“Okay, we can handle this. Vaggie, how would you rate your pain on a scale of one to ten?” Charlie took a deep breath and asked.
“An eight or nine. Getting here was a struggle,” Vaggie admitted.
“Huh. Are you sure you don’t take any painkillers? Like, nothing? Because this is kinda surreal actually,” Lucifer mumbled. “I’m not feeling any pain and that is actually kind of alarming actually,”
“Dad, the normal level of pain is zero, none! We’ll unpack that later. Vaggie, can you give him permission to move? He’s been freaking out over the idea of ‘defiling’ your body or something,” Charlie asked. Oddly specific choice of words. She shot him a look that he didn’t seem to notice.
“Lucifer, seriously calm down. I don’t need both of us on the verge of a panic attack,” Vaggie scolded.
“Haha, my secret is that I am always on the verge of a panic attack. I’m actually surprisingly relaxed right now despite knowing I probably should move,” she admitted with a grin. Guess that explains me. Charlie groaned.
“I miss that life. f*cking sh*t you are constantly dealing with an onslaught of everything. How do you manage?” Vaggie panted, energy depleted severely. I wanna sleep. I’m so tired. How much of that was depression and how much was legit exhaustion!?
“I have a mental breakdown every so often,” Lucifer deadpanned. “And I had one yesterday so… I dunno, I should be mostly cooled off,” If this is mostly cooled off I don’t even want to guess what yesterday was like.
“Well, I did say I was going to tell you this today. Weird circ*mstances aside, Heaven wants to come down and assess the hotel to see if we are the best method of Redemption and help us move forward with things!” Charlie announced.
“I am suddenly able to process but uh-” Lucifer looked over to her.
She already knew the situation. She shouldn’t be freaking out. Heaven, here? They’ll- why can’t they keep their heads out of our business?! Just approve the hotel without the hassle!
“Vaggie is going to have a panic attack,” Lucifer finished.
~+~+~+~
When Lucifer woke up, the first thing he noticed was a warm body next to him. That’s… odd? It feels like Charlie. Did she crawl into bed last night? Then he noticed that his body felt distinctly wrong. And that he wasn’t freaking out about that nearly as much as he should be. He sat up, long hair covering his face as he did. What’s going on? Charlie stretched in bed next to him.
“Mmm, morning Vaggie,” she pulled him down as if to kiss her girlfriend, but he reacted faster.
“Not Vaggie. Well, Vaggie’s body. Not Vaggie occupying her body,” he said quickly. Charlie pushed him off and sat up in confusion.
“What does that mean!?” She asked with tired eyes. “Is this some kind of new thing-”
“Very much no! No no no!” He felt his (Vaggie’s?) face heat up. “I am not Vaggie. I am very confused but also do not want to think of you in that context ever please cease that train of thought,”
“Dad?” Charlie baulked. He nodded roughly, barely moving so as to not violate Vaggie’s body in any way. “How did this happen?”
“I am not actually omniscient despite what I may act like,” Lucifer answered stiffly. Charlie groaned. “I am also not going to move because that would quite possibly defile Vaggie and I would never dream of that,”
“Yep, definitely Dad. One second,” she closed her eyes. “Okay, Vaggie in your body is slowly but surely on her way here,” Lucifer nodded.
They sat in silence until she got there. And then had a weird conversation before Vaggie had a panic attack over his body’s reaction to the news that Heaven was going to be visiting. I’ll have one of those later. Everything felt so oddly numb. No pain (which was apparently normal), no exhaustion, no anxiety that made breathing difficult and no desire to completely cease existence. This is weird. He felt like Bel had drugged him or something. Apparently this was how it was supposed to feel like, but that seemed nonsensical. Surely Vaggie was on painkillers and like… anti-anxiety sh*t. Okay, that was even more nonsensical. Huh, objective logic was also easier to access. Almost nice. Other than the fact that I’m totally violating my daughter’s girlfriend’s body.
Vaggie finally came down from the panic attack. Lucifer looked over to his body. It was weird seeing it like this. No self conscious lens. Just… what Vaggie saw. Well, what she’d see if he didn’t shapeshift away like half of sh*t he had going on, like the chub that had lingered ever since he’d gotten pregnant and the horrid (odd how that persisted) sacks of flesh on his chest. He didn’t want to think about Vaggie’s, which was helped by the fact that he couldn’t actually feel them.
“I am going to visit another dimension and destroy it when this is done,” he said idly. “That’s how much residual panic is going to hit me. That’ll be fun. Maybe. How are you holding up Vaggie?”
“Terribly. Everything f*cking hurts and I can hear the walls,” she grumbled. “Why do the walls make a sound?!”
“I’ve tried asking the walls before. They didn’t answer. Sorry, don’t know,” Lucifer shrugged.
“Okay, how long should this last?” Charlie asked.
“I don’t actually know. We should probably figure out how it happened to try and get some idea about it. Leaving Vaggie here alone sounds like a bad idea, but I also don’t want to be left alone, and if she falls asleep that’s a guarantee,” Lucifer mused.
“I can handle being alone. I’ll probably just sleep. Might make things feel less terrible,” Vaggie mumbled.
“It won’t. But it’s a good way to pass time,” Lucifer agreed. “If you’re okay with that, we can do some investigating. Without my powers we won’t be able to do much, but I have a suspicion of what caused it already. After that we can worry,”
“Oh. Okay. Lead the way I guess,” Charlie gestured for him to get up.
He tried to. He really did. But having only one eye f*cked with your depth perception. So he immediately tripped over something before even standing properly. Charlie steadied him and he actually left.
~
Cherri was at the bar as he’d hoped.
“Hey Cherri, do you remember if you had any bombs in that stash behind the bar that might’ve had any… side effects?” He asked. “You know, the one that blew up last night?”
“Oh! That one. Lemme think mate. Bar stash. Hmm. Oh f*ck. Uh, yep. I had a bomb in there that could body swap people as a way to f*ck with those… turf… war… f*ckers… oh sh*t,” Cherri seemed to realize her error.
“How long does it last?” Charlie piped up.
“Eh, probably 3 hours or so more based off when it exploded. The effects kick in at midnight an’ then go away by noon,” Cherri answered. “I was not expecting you two. Well, wherever Vaggie is. That was not the people I expected it to go off on,”
“Thanks Cherri. I guess we’ll…” Charlie stammered.
“Sit in your room until this is over,” Lucifer finished.
“Y’know, almost can’t tell you ain’t her. Convincing performance old man,” Cherri laughed.
“Maybe stop hiding bomb stashes,” was his reply. “And I feel incredibly out of it, like I’m drugged or some sh*t without my body and its… quirks let’s say,”
“And by quirks you mean constant insane levels of pain that Vaggie can barely tolerate,” Charlie added.
“And the anxiety. And depression. And loud walls,” Lucifer listed. “Kinda reminds me of when I ate all of Bee’s brownies,”
“Okay, I’m taking you out of here before you say something stupid,” Charlie grabbed his (Vaggie’s?) arm and dragged him back to the room.
~{}~{}~{}~
Vaggie woke up to Charlie dragging her dad in Vaggie’s body into the room by the arm. He looked generally unimpressed by life, which was usually how she felt. All she felt right now was high strung. And sore.
“Think you can handle three hours of this?” Charlie asked, scrubbing her face tiredly.
“I’ll… probably be fine,” Vaggie shrugged. The pain and exhaustion was just so pervasive at this point that she couldn’t even feel panicked. Lucifer really had every right to never leave his room. She’d hated him for being an absent father, and respected him trying now, but in his body, she realized just how difficult that task actually was. That everyday was secretly like vaulting a wall before climbing another. Even with his baseline of having handled it for millennia, it could be nearly as easy as he acted like it was. No, that much was made obvious by his disconnect at not experiencing any of it.
She could handle that for three hours. If you wanted to understand a person, you needed to also understand the person who made them the way they were. So in a way, this was helping her know Charlie better. And… she was a little loath to admit it, but she had grown attached to Lucifer too. It wasn’t very surprising, he and Charlie were similar in so many ways. But still, she’d spent a long time believing him to be the embodiment of evil and temptation incarnate.
The kind of person she would be terrified at the thought of inhabiting her body. Instead she was here, not worried one bit as he… meditated? It certainly looked like that. Charlie had moved to the desk to write up schedules and plans for Heaven’s visit.
“Are you meditating?” She asked. Slowly, the eye that was actually hers drifted open.
“Just… basking in not being in pain. It’s temporary. I’m just enjoying it while I can,” he answered. Oh. That was fair. As terrible as this was, it was worth it if he got a bit of a break from the mess that she was currently putting up with. And she was only handling it for a few hours, not ten thousand years.
“Huh. Have you ever thought about using painkillers or something? Just to help?” Vaggie asked. He sighed.
“I’ve thought about it, but I feel like I’ve got a bit of an addictive personality. I can’t do something just a little bit. I’d rather not add another problem to my list,”
“That’s fair I guess. Even if it would probably make your life easier,” Vaggie sighed. Everything hurts. I’d say this is worth an addiction actually. He barked a laugh, which was a little weird to hear in her voice.
“Yeah, I’ve got no chance of that. Every problem comes with another problem. And if I deal with one thing, either something new shows up for something old gets worse,”
“I guess that’s the problem with being on God’s bad side,” Vaggie shook her (his? She should stop thinking about this) head. “Do you think there’s any way you could make Him… see you in a better light?”
“Ha! That’s a funny idea. And I don’t know if I’d want to if I could. I don’t want His favour, just to be left alone. I’ll stay in Hell, f*ck, out of Heaven completely if I just don’t have to suffer with all these extra punishments He’s dumped on me. The body issues, that I can handle, but all the extra bullsh*t makes me needlessly suffer,”
“Well, if we get any success with the Redemption thing, maybe we can… give you another shot?” That gained another weak laugh.
“I’m glad you still have that hope,” seeing that look of emptiness on her face was bizarre. And horrifying. Despite how much she was getting an understanding of him now, she didn’t go through everything he had. His hopelessness was something she couldn’t understand. She sighed again and decided to drop the subject. That didn’t mean she wouldn’t even try to get him some levity if they had success with the hotel. But it made her wonder if maybe that bleak outlook was more realistic than she initially thought.
They sat in silence for the last two hours, Vaggie realizing that not moving seemed to make things better. The shift back into her body was extremely obvious, especially since she was trying to make note of all the little noises she couldn’t normally hear. She shook her head, the lack of a buzz of anxiety and pain being a bit of a shock to her system. Lucifer, back in his body, immediately covered his face with his hands, stopping Vaggie from seeing his expression. All she could do was make assumptions about his reasons for teleporting away mere moments later.
