Help! Everyone Always Asks “Where I’m From.” But the Answer Sets Them Off on a Tirade. (2024)

Each week in Dear Prudence Uncensored, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with fellow Slate writer (and her husband!)Joel Anderson, only for Slate Plus members. This week, they dig into “Tired of All the Stereotypes.”

Dear Prudence,

I live in California, although I travel outside the state from time to time and most of my co-workers reside outside the state. Can you give me a good response in these situations that keep coming up? Once someone finds out I’m from CA, I get, “Don’t be bringing your woke nonsense around here” or “All the people from CA are moving here and driving up the house prices so we locals can’t afford them.” Or my red and purple state co-workers love to complain about the CA political issues. Prudie, I am not personally responsible for the state that CA is in, nor do I want to hear anybody else’s opinions about it. On travel, I just want to buy a restaurant meal in peace, stay at a hotel, and go home. I’m not buying anybody’s house from under them. I promise I will not open with, “I’m from CA, table for four, with a side of politics please.” I need a script that is both polite and shuts people down.

—Tired of All the Stereotypes

Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.

Joel Anderson: I haven’t lived out here a full decade yet and I’m already defensive. But if people really wanted to engage me about this, I could easily muster a few pro-California talking points (racial and ethnic diversity—though not very many Black folks; stunning natural beauty; the ability to access abortion, and so on and so on). However, it doesn’t appear “Tired” wants that kind of back and forth.

Jenée Desmond-Harris: It sounds like she has a uniquely um, un-”woke” group of workers, or is going to a particularly Fox News-loving place. Like what normal person other than someone who watches a lot of inflammatory coverage of how San Francisco is the scariest place on earth and crime is through the roof makes small talk about their negative opinions about a state? Of all the topics!

Although maybe that’s not fair. People from California do sometimes tend to clutch their pearls and look concerned when I mention going to visit your family in Texas. And I’ve heard people say some crazy stuff to you.

Joel: For the most part, I assume those comments come from a place of exaggeration or total ignorance. Sure, there is sometimes property crime in San Francisco! Yes, guns are way too easy to access in Texas! But every place in the world has something that makes it potentially untenable as a place to live. Perhaps the harder, possibly more satisfying thing is to get people to be specific about their criticism to watch their argument fall apart. “What does woke nonsense mean, specifically?” Do you think rising housing prices are limited to only your particular corner of Unwokeville?” But there’s definitely an easier option: Your script. Or politely, or not, excusing yourself from that person’s company.

Jenée: Or a bored, “Oh wow that’s crazy” while actively doing something else on your phone, if you don’t want to be at all confrontational.

Joel: Right, giving them any attention at all is probably too much. Once a person has identified themselves as that kind of person, I’m more inclined toward dropping niceties. Y’all are probably never going to be friends. It doesn’t mean to lash out. But it could mean that you can excuse yourself in a non-dramatic fashion, as you’ve suggested here.

Jenée: Yes I am certain the mention of the letter writer’s home state isn’t the only thing that sets them off. These people definitely have content on gender roles, homelessness, DEI, and the great replacement theory just waiting to be shared if you give them the right moment.

Joel: It’s crazy too, because as a non-native Californian, I also know that California has plenty of people who hate wokeness and love MAGA. A little more than 20 years ago, the state recalled its Democratic governor and voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger! Maybe the state’s premier university has a whole research institute dedicated to Herbert Hoover! There’s plenty to love about California if you hate wokeness. They could choose to know and maybe even embrace that but they’d rather antagonize their co-worker.

Jenée: Like we always say, people around here shouldn’t be too smug. We’re personally surrounded by a bunch of Elon Musk fans!

Joel: Absolutely! We’re under no illusion California is some progressive paradise. It’s just a little more big “D” Democratic than many of the MAGA-villes springing up all around the country.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. These are the LW’s co-workers, not their family or friends. They’re under no obligation to endure that sort of interaction and they can make that clear, and awkwardly move on to discussing sports in the manner you’ve suggested here.

Jenée: And of course, like I say to everyone with an annoying manager, stinky cubicle-mate, or any other gripe: You have nothing to lose by applying to new jobs.

Joel: That’s the other thing! It does seem like maybe this isn’t the greatest cultural fit—or isn’t any longer. And that’s something for “Tired” to consider the next time they log into LinkedIn.

Classic Prudie

My wife and I recently had a baby. My workplace is still on lockdown and everything’s being done virtually, so instead of physically showing around baby photos, I passed around several by interoffice email. There was the usual round of congratulations and well wishes, mostly expressed over Zoom and the in-office Skype application. However, there was one particular co-worker, “Zack,” who had a few polite comments in the public-facing chat but sent me a couple of emails to my work address from his.