Spring Cleaning

Last week, I decided to make my mother proud and embark on a vigorous program of spring cleaning, so I went to the garage for a broom and came across my long-neglected bike, which reminded me I’d been intending to exercise since sometime before the last millennium and, since there’s no time like the present, I pulled the creaky bike out to the driveway, where my eyes fell upon my very dirty automobile, so I pulled out a hose and began washing it, but this got my sneakers wet, which reminded me that I really wanted to do some serious shoe shopping, but then I remembered that I sorely needed a pedicure, only when I pulled off my socks to examine my foul feet, I realized I had no clean socks because I failed to find the time all week to do laundry, so I rushed inside to start a load, and speaking of loads, I suddenly wanted to read the newspaper to find out what kind of hooey those humble public servants in Washington are pushing, and speaking of pushing, I realized I should get back to the garage to grab that broom, but then I saw the mop right there next to it and that got me thinking about my hair, which lately has had more bad days than good, and so I thought I’d make an appointment for a haircut, but when I picked up the phone, I recalled the irate conversation I had a couple of days ago with my mother, who feels I should call her more often, and she’s undoubtedly right, but then she asked if I’d begun my spring cleaning and so, remembering this, I hung up the phone and gathered a tub full of cleaning supplies with which to attack the job at hand, but seeing the tub made me think of the word ‘tubby’ which made me think of my stomach, which reminded me that I’d left the bike in the driveway, so I rushed outside, only to notice the deplorable condition of my windows so I went in search of a squeegee and while I was looking, I started thinking about how much I like the word ‘squeegee’ and then I started thinking about how much I like words in general, and if one likes words as much as I do, one naturally loves books as well, which often leads to reading, and I really love to read and thinking about reading caused my brain to take a philosophical turn, which it has a habit of doing whenever cleaning is on the horizon, but then I was jerked back to reality with the realization that I’ve never actually owned a squeegee and therefore could not properly clean my windows, and I’m pretty sure that it was Plato who said that if one cannot correctly clean one’s own windows, any other kind of cleaning is not morally justifiable, which is why I decided to lie down for the day and put off cleaning until next spring.

Sorry, Mom.